Just another day

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Sometimes I wonder if I even have emotions. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything, I don't if it is right to call it neutral or just blank. It’s not sadness exactly. Not anger. Not happiness either. Just silence inside. A strange emptiness that only shifts when I’m around the people I love. They’re the only ones who seem to awaken something in me, something real. I may have few close people but they are more than enough. Honestly, I prefer less number.

Then there are moments like tonight. Moments where a wave of something comes crashing in. A feeling I can’t even name.  I don’t know what to call it and I can’t explain it to anyone. And maybe that’s the most frustrating part not even understanding myself.

I keep asking myself: what’s the point of all this? The effort, the achievements, the endless chasing… when none of it follows you after this life? It’s exhausting. I just wish I could understand myself better.

This blog has become my emotion diary now. A place I run to when my thoughts get loud and my heart gets confusing. I know how heavy feelings can be. I don’t want to become too much.

I know people don’t really want to end their lives. They want the pain to stop. They want to be free from the chaos in their heads and the ache in their chests. The world can be so heavy. So cruel. So loud. And when people give up, I get it. I truly do. I just hope that wherever they go, it’s softer. Gentler. Kinder. I hope they find the peace.

As for me... I just want to live.

Just another day and my random blabbering.

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